Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
