Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
