I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
