Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
