Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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