Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
