He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
