that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
