everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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