We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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