all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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