She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
