uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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