remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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