Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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