Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
