hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
