at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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