I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
