Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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