1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
