I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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