take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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