I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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