I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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