those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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