he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
