I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
