I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
