Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
