I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
