Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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