dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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