I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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