Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
