I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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