The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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