i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
