was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
