I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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