So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
