last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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