he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
