where does the pee come out of this thing
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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