She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
