I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
