I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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