the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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