i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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