theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
MIDGETS
????
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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