dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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