Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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