Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
