Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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