No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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