im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
