The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
