I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
